Skwyr Court

KnowingWhatToSay

Content Warning: This chapter contains mention of suicide and self harm.

Nourd sat in the gardens with his eyes closed, listening to Master Gorkle’s voice. He could hear everything, and began to get a sense for how everything fit together. The world was unfolding around him as Master Gorkle spoke.

“Every creature, from humans to the smallest of insects, has a part to play in nature. No matter how trivial, no matter how small, we all have a purpose. Whether it be providing food for something larger, or helping the flowers to grow and blossom, we are all—”

Nourd waited for Master Gorkle to continue, but zie didn’t.

“We have to go,” zie said. “Something’s happened.”

Nourd opened his eyes and saw Master Gorkle offering hir hand to Nourd. He allowed himself to be helped to his feet, then Master Gorkle led the way out of the gardens.

“What happened?” Nourd asked. He could smell something unfamiliar from Master Gorkle. Was zie worried? It smelled a little like concern, but it was hard to tell.

“Just follow me.”

Nourd did as he was told, even as Master Gorkle led them through one of the magic doors in the castle. He hated them. They made his skin feel funny, and his stomach felt like it was trying to escape his body. He groaned as they stepped through into a place Nourd had never been.

People rushed about wearing the same clothes, all holding stacks of paper or books. The air was full of smells. Nearby, people sat on chairs, all of them smelling of fear or worry. Was no one happy in this place? Why had Master Gorkle brought them somewhere like this?

“Where are we?”

“This is the hospital,” Gorkle said, walking up to a large desk with another person in the same sort of clothes as everyone else. “I’m looking for Lord Grund.”

“His Lord High Artisan is in the third floor waiting room,” the person behind the desk said. “You may go up.”

Master Gorkle beckoned to Nourd.

“Stay with me. Do not wander off.”

“Yes, Master Gorkle.”

They climbed a flight of stairs, then another, and another. They walked through a door, then down a corridor. Once again, there were people with the same clothes all walking around.

“Why do they all wear the same clothes?”

“Their uniforms show that they work here. So people know who to ask if they have questions or a problem.”

Nourd watched one of them walk by. Maybe they knew what they were doing at the hospital.

“Do we not have questions?”

“We do, but I know who has the answers, and there’s no need to bother the staff here.”

They reached another room with chairs, but this one only had two occupants.

Lord Grund sat drumming his fingers on his chair, glowering at nothing in particular. Aonva sat next to him, hugging her legs to her chest, her face buried in her knees. She reeked of sadness, pain, and fear, like an animal that was about to die. Was she dying? Was that why they were there?

“Grund.”

“Gorkle.”

“What are we doing here?”

Lord Grund waved his hand at Master Gorkle, and zie followed him away from the two apprentices.

“Hello, Aonva.”

“Hi,” she said without looking up at him.

Before Nourd could start asking, he caught a familiar smell on the air. A grin spread over his face and excitement took hold of him. The wonderful sound of Oshal’s walking stick echoed down the corridor. Not long after, Oshal and Lady Durwey walked in. When Lady Durwey spotted Lord Grund and Master Gorkle, she walked over to them.

“Nourd.” A smile spread over Oshal’s face. “It’s good to be with you.”

“I too enjoy your company.” Nourd looked around. “Is Sirshi coming too? They always gather all of us.”

“Sirshi’s on her fifth-year assignment,” Aonva said, still not looking up. “In order to serve the court, we must know the court, so we spend our fifth years off in another town.” Her voice cracked up. “Mages are supposed to partner up with artisans so we can… so we can… so we can construct a… a staff. And… and…”

Anything else was lost to Aonva’s sobs. Oshal walked over and sat down next to her.

“It’s alright. My sister’s looking forward to hers. She’s always happiest when she’s with you.”

Aonva shook her head, muttering something Nourd couldn’t understand.

Another familiar smell reached him, and Nourd saw Oshal’s father walk into the room in a panic.

“Oshal!” He rushed over and threw his arms around Oshal. “What’s going on? Our Lord High Artisan contacted me, said to come here right away.” He looked around. “Which ward is this?”

Aonva sobbed something none of them understood.

Daylarl crouched in front of Aonva. “Aonva, what’s going on? Where’s Roshil?”

“Room 306,” Lord Grund said as he, Master Gorkle, and Lady Durwey returned to the waiting room. “This is the mental health ward.”

Another round of sobs came from Aonva, drowning out anything she might’ve tried saying.

“Why is my daughter in the mental health ward?” Daylarl stood up and faced Lord Grund. “My Lord, what’s going on?”

Lord Grund folded his arms. He glanced around, then came in closer.

“What I’m about to tell you does not leave this room. Only the council knows about this. You do not tell anyone. If I find out one of you squealed, I will personally have you exiled from the court. Is that understood?”

Nourd didn’t understand the first part of it, but he understood the phrase “You do not tell anyone” perfectly. He could smell how serious Lord Grund was. Exile meant never returning to the forest, never seeing Oshal again. Nourd nodded his understanding.

“The curse is getting worse,” Lord Grund said. “It’s not just her eyes and her hair. Apprentice Roshil has scales growing on her.”

Before Nourd could start asking questions, he heard Master Gorkle speaking softly.

“Don’t speak. Don’t ask questions yet. Just listen.”

“But she’s okay,” Oshal said. “They’re not hurting her, are they?”

“Not as far as I know,” Lord Grund said. “But recently, not that she’s said when, they appeared on her face. So far as I can tell, when she realized that…” Concern and uncertainty wafted to him, neither of which Nourd had ever smelled on Lord Grund.

“Apprentice Roshil tried to kill herself.”

#VolumeFour #KnowingWhatToSay

Content Warning: This chapter contains mention of suicide and self harm.

Fear and panic arose from Oshal and Daylarl. Oshal moved closer to his father and held onto him. His whole body trembled as tears fell down his face.

“She wouldn’t,” he muttered. “Not Roshil. She wouldn’t.”

Nourd had a hundred questions, but following Master Gorkle’s orders, he stayed silent. Why did Roshil try to kill herself? Why would anyone do that? The whole purpose of life was to keep living it.

“Why?” Daylarl asked. “But… why wouldn’t she say something?”

“I think she woke up and found them,” Lord Grund said. “But something like this doesn’t happen overnight. She’s been holding onto these feelings for a long time now. Probably actively hiding them from everyone. Me… all of us.”

“I’m… I’m glad you caught it in time,” Daylarl said.

“A while back, an apprentice committed suicide,” Lord Grund said. “We added a feature to the identification orbs that notify an apprentice’s master if that apprentice is in fatal danger. At least we know it works now.”

“She…” Daylarl’s voice trailed off.

“She tried to slit her wrists,” Lord Grund said. He nodded toward Aonva. “Apprentice Aonva was with me when I got the notification. She was worried that Roshil hadn’t met her in the library this morning. We got to her immediately, stopped the bleeding, and brought her here.”

Aonva’s head was buried in her knees. She rocked gently back and forth, reeking of fear.

“She wasn’t at breakfast,” Oshal mumbled, turning his head to Aonva for a moment. “Neither of them were. I should’ve known something was wrong. I should’ve checked their threads. I should’ve been there.”

“Apprentice Oshal,” Lady Durwey said, resting her hand on his shoulder, “your sister’s here now. They’ll keep her safe until she can recover.”

“What… what happens now?” Daylarl asked. “Can I see her?”

Lord Grund shook his head. “Not yet. Until they’ve evaluated her, she’s not allowed any visitors, myself included. There’s no telling what’s going to set her off. She’s not allowed any sharp objects or anything she could use as a rope. She’s safe. Nothing’s going to happen to her.”

Once again, Nourd wanted to ask why she’d do that to herself. He wished he were better at writing so he could make notes of all of his questions. None of this made sense to him.

What about Oshal? Nourd wanted to make him happy again, but he didn’t know how. Oshal was always happy when they were together. Nourd had never had to do anything to make him happy, so he had no idea how to do it now.

Nourd remembered a time he’d found some rabbits ripped apart by humans in the forest. His friends. He’d cried curled up against Elder Wolf for a long time after that. Looking at Oshal now, that’s what he was doing with Daylarl. But it wasn’t helping. How long had Nourd been with Elder Wolf until he’d calmed down? How long until Oshal was happy again?

“There’s nothing we can do now except wait,” Lord Grund said. “When they tell me something, I’ll tell you. Until then, staying here’s not doing us any good.”

“Are you sure?” Daylarl asked. “What if—”

“Positive. Go home. Read a book. Rob a store. Whatever you have to do to get your mind off this. Trust me, dwelling on it will only make it worse.”

Nourd frowned at Lord Grund, then at Daylarl. Why would Daylarl rob a store? Master Gorkle had been clear about not taking things that didn’t belong to him. Did that not apply to everyone? Why were the rules so confusing?

“I don’t want to leave her,” Oshal said. “Maybe—”

“Maybe you make yourself sick thinking about it, then when she gets out and finds out, she feels even worse about herself,” Lord Grund said. “Go. Home.”

“Lord Grund is right,” Lady Durwey said. “Apprentice Oshal, take the day off. I’ll talk with your teachers and let them know you won’t be there.” She placed one hand on Oshal, and another on Daylarl. “I’ll walk you two out.”

Nourd could smell it on both of them that they wanted to stay, but they allowed themselves to be led out of the room.

“Bye, Nourd,” Oshal called before they left.

“Bye.” Nourd wanted to say something else, but what could he say? He hardly knew the language, and what he did know wasn’t enough for this. There was still so much he didn’t understand.

“You too, Apprentice Aonva,” Lord Grund said.

“I’m staying,” she said, her voice muffled by her legs. “I’m not leaving Roshil’s side.”

Lord Grund whispered something into his hand, then blew ashes out of it. The spell made Nourd shudder. Magic still felt wrong to him.

“Fine.” Lord Grund wheeled himself over to rest next to Aonva. He folded his arms. “We’ll wait together.”

“We should go,” Master Gorkle said. “Lord Grund, thank you for notifying us.”

“Yup.”

Nourd bowed to Lord Grund, then followed Master Gorkle out of the room. They passed Lady Emgard on their way out, who insisted she didn’t need help.

“Leave me alone,” she said, waving away Master Gorkle’s attempts at helping her. “I’m old, not helpless.”

After they left to the hospital, they returned to the gardens. As per Master Gorkle’s request, they walked in silence. Only when they reached the gardens did zie speak.

“Lord Grund was joking about Daylarl robbing a store,” zie said.

Humor was the one part of human interaction Nourd didn’t think he’d ever understand. He liked it when Oshal laughed, but he didn’t know how to make anyone laugh.

“Why would someone do that?” Nourd asked. “Why would Apprentice Roshil try to kill herself?”

“Sometimes, people feel hopeless. They don’t see a reason to keep living. Perhaps she believes that the scales on her will make her life pointless. I don’t know her that well, so I can’t say for sure. But when that happens, when someone is so depressed, so sad, that life isn’t worth living, they try to end it. They believe that death will be better than living.”

Nourd couldn’t imagine feeling like that. Was he supposed to? He’d been getting better at empathy, but this was a lot to imagine. Maybe if the entire forest burned down, he’d be that sad. But that would never happen.

“I’m not sure I understand.”

“You don’t have to. This is something that everyone who has never felt that way has trouble understanding. Right now, it’s important that we be supportive of her friends and family. Apprentice Oshal will be different for some time, but I’m sure the cheerful person we both know will be back before long.”

Nourd already missed the happy Oshal. He wanted to help somehow. What could he do?

“How can I help Oshal?”

“For the next few days, give him some space. Perhaps take that time to think of something to say.”

Nourd never knew what to say, but it had never mattered to Oshal. Was it different now? What if Oshal didn’t like him anymore? What if Oshal was never happy again?

“Why don’t we visit the Temple of Words tomorrow?” Master Gorkle said. “I’m sure it would make Apprentice Oshal happy if you wrote a poem for him.”

Nourd liked that idea. He thought he was getting good at poetry. It still didn’t entirely make sense to him beyond “use words to express your feelings”, but he liked that. Even having been in the court for a few years, it was all still so confusing. Poetry had not only helped him handle it (along with Master Gorkle and Oshal, of course), but it’d been helping him learn the language, even if he still needed someone to write it for him.

“I like that idea.”

“I thought so. I think the rest of the day would be well spent listening to nature. I think we could both use a rest.”

#VolumeFour #KnowingWhatToSay

When Nourd had first gone to the Temple of Words, he hadn’t cared for it. He had thought books were barbaric monstrosities, destroying so many trees and berries to create something humans scribbled on. But the more he’d gone, the more he’d realized their significance. In the forest, stories were passed down by telling them. If there wasn’t enough time to tell all of them, then they were lost. But humans had so many stories, and they wanted to preserve them. And there was poetry. A way for humans to imagine what others imagined, to feel what others felt. That was what Nourd wanted today. He wanted Oshal to feel some sort of joy or happiness, anything other than the horrible misery and fear he’d felt the day before.

“Welcome back to the Temple of Words, Grand Master Gorkle, Apprentice Nourd,” Master Rindumna greeted them at the door. “May Yvgrengher share His infinite knowledge and wisdom with you.”

Nourd didn’t know why Master Rindumna always said that. He’d asked Master Gorkle about it before, but zie had said it was something called a formality. As far as Nourd understood, it was related to manners.

“I would like to write a poem to make my friend happy again,” Nourd said. “I do not think I can do it alone.”

“Well, if it’s poetry you want, you have come to the right place,” Master Rindumna said. “And I know just who can help you.”

Before he saw her, Nourd smelled Apprentice Anej. She looked older, smelled a little different, but was still much the same as she’d been almost a year ago when he’d seen her last. She hadn’t been at the temple for a while, though, and he didn’t know why.

“Apprentice Anej just returned from her fifth-year assignment,” Master Rindumna said as Apprentice Anej bowed. “I’m sure she would be happy to help.”

“I’m always thrilled to help another with their quest for art,” Apprentice Anej said.

“I’ll leave you to it, then.” Master Rindumna bowed to them, then walked away.

“They,” Anej mumbled.

“What?” Nourd said.

“I… um… prefer ‘they’ and ‘them’,” Anej said, a little louder. “I… I learned a lot about myself when I was away.”

“Congratulations,” Master Gorkle said. “It feels freeing to understand yourself better, doesn’t it?”

Anej nodded, while still avoiding eye contact.

“I do not understand,” Nourd said.

“Apprentice Anej is like me,” Master Gorkle said. “They don’t identify as either male or female.”

“Oh. Why do they use different words than you do?”

“That’s their choice,” Master Gorkle said. “I chose ‘zie’ and ‘hir’ because I thought ‘they’ and ‘them’ were confusing at first. I didn’t know anyone else like me at the time, but I found reference to those words as gender-neutral pronouns, so I chose them.” Zie smiled at Apprentice Anej. “After you settle into it, you’ll get better at speaking up about it. Don’t worry.”

“Thank you, Grand Master. Now, Apprentice Nourd, with what do you require assistance?” They glanced around. “Is Apprentice Oshal here?”

“That’s the problem,” Master Gorkle said. “Apprentice Oshal is having some family trouble, and it’s making him upset. Apprentice Nourd wants to write a poem to help him feel better.”

“May I ask what sort of family trouble?”

“I’m afraid I can’t give specifics. I can only say that a member of his family is sick, and it’s upsetting him.”

Apprentice Anej led them through the temple to a smaller room. This one had a table with paper and pens, which, despite their appearance, Nourd had learned were not a type of weapon. If you dipped one in a pool of crushed up plants soaked in water, then spread it over paper, you made words.

“Have you been writing poetry since I’ve been gone?” Apprentice Anej asked.

“Not a lot,” Nourd said. “Human words are complicated.”

“Well, let’s start with the basics, then. How do you want him to feel?”

That was easy. Nourd wanted Oshal to stop being sad, to smile again. He knew the word for that.

“Happy.”

“That’s a good start.” Apprentice Anej started writing something down. Nourd was getting better at reading, but with Anej across from him, he couldn’t tell what they were writing. “Can you describe it a little more? What does happiness mean to you?”

For a long time, happiness had been being in the forest. Nourd had been allowed on the outskirts in the past few years, but hadn’t been allowed to venture back inside yet. Before, happiness had been running with the wolves, or swinging through the trees with the monkeys. But now, happiness was different. Happiness was being with Oshal.

“It means being with Oshal. Smiling and laughing together. I do not know how to make him laugh, but he does when we’re together. And he makes me laugh, but I do not know why. I always want to be with him, to always smile and laugh together. And eat chocolate. I like chocolate.”

Anej stared at him for a moment. He could smell confusion and uncertainty from them. They avoided eye contact, then started mumbling something that even Nourd’s keen ears couldn’t pick up.

“Did you say something?” Nourd asked.

“I said… do you… like Apprentice Oshal?”

“Of course. He is my friend. He is my best friend.”

“Um… no, I mean… I don’t know how to say this so you’ll understand.”

“Say what?”

Nourd didn’t like this. Usually, he could understand Apprentice Anej, unlike most of the other priests at the Temple of Words. He liked it there, but they all used words he’d never heard before, and it confused him.

“I believe what Apprentice Anej is trying to ask is if you want to be Apprentice Oshal’s mate,” Master Gorkle said.

“Yes, that. That’s what I meant.”

Nourd frowned. He hadn’t thought about it before. All he knew was that he liked spending time with Oshal more than anyone else. Oshal said that was what being best friends was like. But Nourd always wanted to spend time with Oshal.

“I do not know.”

“That’s fine,” Master Gorkle said. “You two work on your poem for now. We can talk about that later.”

That was fine with Nourd. He wasn’t sure about it. Was he even allowed to have a male as a mate? He had some recollection of Roshil wanting a female mate, but he hadn’t given it any thought.

As Anej helped him write a poem for Oshal, that same thought danced around his head. He wasn’t sure, but he liked the idea. He would have to ask another time.

#VolumeFour #KnowingWhatToSay

Nourd couldn’t focus on anything else other than sharing his poem with Oshal. He kept looking down at what Anej had written. It’d taken them another few hours to figure out something for Oshal.

What Apprentice Oshal needs right now is hope, Master Gorkle had said, so why not write it about hope?

Nourd liked that word. Hope. It sounded a little funny, but it was still such a big word for one so small. Anej had asked him what it made him think of, and the two of them had worked from there. He was proud of what they’d written, and both Master Gorkle and Anej had insisted that Oshal would like it. Still, he felt like a squirrel trying to gather food, knowing predators were lurking.

“Do you know why Lord Grund asked us all to leave?” Master Gorkle asked.

They were sitting in the gardens. They were going to meet with Apprentice Oshal and Lady Durwey soon. In Nourd’s opinion, it wasn’t soon enough. He wanted to see Oshal more than anything.

“No,” Nourd replied.

“If we’d stayed there, we’d all be worried about Apprentice Roshil. He wanted us to leave so we could get our minds off her. The same thing is happening to you and Apprentice Oshal. We need to find you something to do while we wait for them to be ready.”

Nourd didn’t want to do anything else. He wanted to see Oshal. What was taking them so long? Why had they not contacted Master Gorkle yet?

The other prevailing thought in his mind was Anej’s question. Did he want to be Oshal’s mate? The more he thought about it, the more he liked the idea. He wanted to be around Oshal all the time. To always be close to him. New thoughts had been surfacing, too. Ones he hadn’t had before about anyone.

Master Gorkle frowned at him. Hir nose twitched slightly.

“Don’t bring up what Apprentice Anej said about wanting to be Oshal’s mate. I can smell the question on you, and I know you want to talk to him about it, but now isn’t a good time. We have things to discuss later, some of which might make you uncomfortable. Please don’t say anything to him until we talk about it.”

“Why can’t I say anything? I want to be Oshal’s mate. I want him to be mine.”

“I know, but it’s more complicated than that. His sister’s in the hospital. He probably isn’t thinking straight right now, so it’s best to let him be. Please, Apprentice Nourd, do not say anything about it yet.”

Nourd still didn’t understand. There was so much he couldn’t understand anymore. Why had Roshil tried to kill herself? Why would that affect Oshal so much that Nourd couldn’t tell him how he felt? He’d always been able to tell Oshal anything, even things that other people didn’t understand. What was different about this?

“Think of it this way. If a hunter had tried to kill one of Elder Wolf’s pups, and they’d gotten away, would you be able to think of anything else?”

Nourd closed his eyes and tried to imagine it. One of the pups bleeding on the forest floor, a wound in their side. Elder Wolf wouldn’t have rested until she’d tracked down the hunter and made them pay. Nourd wouldn’t be able to talk to her about anything until she’d exacted justice.

“I think trying to talk to Elder Wolf would be bad idea.”

“Exactly. Well, Apprentice Roshil’s attempted murderer was herself. Until she can be talked down and helped to recover, Apprentice Oshal will think of little else. Asking another person to be your mate is a big deal among humans. You may also have certain expectations we’ll need to discuss later. It’s complicated, as is anything that involves more than one person’s emotions, so please, say nothing about it to Apprentice Oshal until after things have calmed down.”

Nourd didn’t like it, but he had to agree with Master Gorkle. The world didn’t make sense to him, but it made sense to hir, so Nourd had to listen.

“They’re on their way.”

Nourd couldn’t sit still until Oshal arrived. He felt like a squirrel looking out for predators, but the predator wasn’t there to kill him, it was there to help him. Emotions were weird.

The moment Oshal entered their area of the gardens, Nourd could smell the misery on him. Oshal’s usual cheerful demeanor was missing, and it brought Nourd down too.

“Hello, Nourd. Grand Master Gorkle.”

Oshal bowed to Master Gorkle, then sat down next to Nourd.

“How are you feeling?” Master Gorkle asked.

“I’m okay,” Oshal said, smiling. It wasn’t his usual smile; it was too small, and it didn’t last long. “Still… processing, I guess. I’m sorry I’m being so down.”

“I am happy to see you!” Nourd said, hoping something would cheer up Oshal.

“I’m happy to see you too,” Oshal said, although his body was giving off a not-happy smell.

“I wrote something,” Nourd said, taking out the piece of paper he and Anej had worked on. “Apprentice Anej helped.”

“How is she doing? Is she back?” Oshal asked.

“They are,” Master Gorkle said. “Their ceremony to move to master priest is later today.”

“That’s good.”

“May I please read what I wrote?” Nourd asked.

“Okay.”

While Nourd had memorized most of the poem, the paper still didn’t hurt to have. He began to read.

You cannot always see tomorrow’s light Sometimes, it is hidden away from sight Although this journey is your own You do not have to walk in the dark alone We can walk together, and you will see That your fear and uncertainty Are smaller than they seem in the dawn’s sparkling gleam

Oshal stared at him with his sightless face. The silence stretched on, and it started to worry Nourd. Had he done something wrong?

“Apprentice Anej helped me with the words, especially the words that rhyme. Poetry is hard sometimes.”

“I love it,” Oshal said. “You… you wrote all of that for me?”

“I cannot understand how scared you are, or what your sister did, but I do not want you to lose hope. I am certain that she will be okay. Because you are my favorite human, and I never want bad things to happen to you again.”

Tears streamed down Oshal’s face, but he didn’t smell any more sad than he had when he’d arrived. Instead, he smelled full of joy, happier than Nourd had ever smelled or seen him before.

“Thank you so much. Is it okay if I hug you?”

“Yes! Always!”

Nourd leaned in and put his arms around Oshal. He felt like a bird, soaring through the sky. He wanted to stay like that with Oshal forever, but eventually they had to pull apart.

“Can we sit and talk for a while?” Oshal asked.

“Of course! I enjoy talking to you!”

Oshal wiped tears from his face. “Me too.”

Nourd was thrilled. He hadn’t said anything wrong. He’d made things better. He’d made Oshal better. He still wanted to be Oshal’s mate, but Master Gorkle was right. That could wait. In that moment, he was happy enough to be with Oshal, smiling and happy.

#VolumeFour #KnowingWhatToSay