Knowing What to Say, Part II
Content Warning: This chapter contains mention of suicide and self harm.
Fear and panic arose from Oshal and Daylarl. Oshal moved closer to his father and held onto him. His whole body trembled as tears fell down his face.
“She wouldn’t,” he muttered. “Not Roshil. She wouldn’t.”
Nourd had a hundred questions, but following Master Gorkle’s orders, he stayed silent. Why did Roshil try to kill herself? Why would anyone do that? The whole purpose of life was to keep living it.
“Why?” Daylarl asked. “But… why wouldn’t she say something?”
“I think she woke up and found them,” Lord Grund said. “But something like this doesn’t happen overnight. She’s been holding onto these feelings for a long time now. Probably actively hiding them from everyone. Me… all of us.”
“I’m… I’m glad you caught it in time,” Daylarl said.
“A while back, an apprentice committed suicide,” Lord Grund said. “We added a feature to the identification orbs that notify an apprentice’s master if that apprentice is in fatal danger. At least we know it works now.”
“She…” Daylarl’s voice trailed off.
“She tried to slit her wrists,” Lord Grund said. He nodded toward Aonva. “Apprentice Aonva was with me when I got the notification. She was worried that Roshil hadn’t met her in the library this morning. We got to her immediately, stopped the bleeding, and brought her here.”
Aonva’s head was buried in her knees. She rocked gently back and forth, reeking of fear.
“She wasn’t at breakfast,” Oshal mumbled, turning his head to Aonva for a moment. “Neither of them were. I should’ve known something was wrong. I should’ve checked their threads. I should’ve been there.”
“Apprentice Oshal,” Lady Durwey said, resting her hand on his shoulder, “your sister’s here now. They’ll keep her safe until she can recover.”
“What… what happens now?” Daylarl asked. “Can I see her?”
Lord Grund shook his head. “Not yet. Until they’ve evaluated her, she’s not allowed any visitors, myself included. There’s no telling what’s going to set her off. She’s not allowed any sharp objects or anything she could use as a rope. She’s safe. Nothing’s going to happen to her.”
Once again, Nourd wanted to ask why she’d do that to herself. He wished he were better at writing so he could make notes of all of his questions. None of this made sense to him.
What about Oshal? Nourd wanted to make him happy again, but he didn’t know how. Oshal was always happy when they were together. Nourd had never had to do anything to make him happy, so he had no idea how to do it now.
Nourd remembered a time he’d found some rabbits ripped apart by humans in the forest. His friends. He’d cried curled up against Elder Wolf for a long time after that. Looking at Oshal now, that’s what he was doing with Daylarl. But it wasn’t helping. How long had Nourd been with Elder Wolf until he’d calmed down? How long until Oshal was happy again?
“There’s nothing we can do now except wait,” Lord Grund said. “When they tell me something, I’ll tell you. Until then, staying here’s not doing us any good.”
“Are you sure?” Daylarl asked. “What if—”
“Positive. Go home. Read a book. Rob a store. Whatever you have to do to get your mind off this. Trust me, dwelling on it will only make it worse.”
Nourd frowned at Lord Grund, then at Daylarl. Why would Daylarl rob a store? Master Gorkle had been clear about not taking things that didn’t belong to him. Did that not apply to everyone? Why were the rules so confusing?
“I don’t want to leave her,” Oshal said. “Maybe—”
“Maybe you make yourself sick thinking about it, then when she gets out and finds out, she feels even worse about herself,” Lord Grund said. “Go. Home.”
“Lord Grund is right,” Lady Durwey said. “Apprentice Oshal, take the day off. I’ll talk with your teachers and let them know you won’t be there.” She placed one hand on Oshal, and another on Daylarl. “I’ll walk you two out.”
Nourd could smell it on both of them that they wanted to stay, but they allowed themselves to be led out of the room.
“Bye, Nourd,” Oshal called before they left.
“Bye.” Nourd wanted to say something else, but what could he say? He hardly knew the language, and what he did know wasn’t enough for this. There was still so much he didn’t understand.
“You too, Apprentice Aonva,” Lord Grund said.
“I’m staying,” she said, her voice muffled by her legs. “I’m not leaving Roshil’s side.”
Lord Grund whispered something into his hand, then blew ashes out of it. The spell made Nourd shudder. Magic still felt wrong to him.
“Fine.” Lord Grund wheeled himself over to rest next to Aonva. He folded his arms. “We’ll wait together.”
“We should go,” Master Gorkle said. “Lord Grund, thank you for notifying us.”
“Yup.”
Nourd bowed to Lord Grund, then followed Master Gorkle out of the room. They passed Lady Emgard on their way out, who insisted she didn’t need help.
“Leave me alone,” she said, waving away Master Gorkle’s attempts at helping her. “I’m old, not helpless.”
After they left to the hospital, they returned to the gardens. As per Master Gorkle’s request, they walked in silence. Only when they reached the gardens did zie speak.
“Lord Grund was joking about Daylarl robbing a store,” zie said.
Humor was the one part of human interaction Nourd didn’t think he’d ever understand. He liked it when Oshal laughed, but he didn’t know how to make anyone laugh.
“Why would someone do that?” Nourd asked. “Why would Apprentice Roshil try to kill herself?”
“Sometimes, people feel hopeless. They don’t see a reason to keep living. Perhaps she believes that the scales on her will make her life pointless. I don’t know her that well, so I can’t say for sure. But when that happens, when someone is so depressed, so sad, that life isn’t worth living, they try to end it. They believe that death will be better than living.”
Nourd couldn’t imagine feeling like that. Was he supposed to? He’d been getting better at empathy, but this was a lot to imagine. Maybe if the entire forest burned down, he’d be that sad. But that would never happen.
“I’m not sure I understand.”
“You don’t have to. This is something that everyone who has never felt that way has trouble understanding. Right now, it’s important that we be supportive of her friends and family. Apprentice Oshal will be different for some time, but I’m sure the cheerful person we both know will be back before long.”
Nourd already missed the happy Oshal. He wanted to help somehow. What could he do?
“How can I help Oshal?”
“For the next few days, give him some space. Perhaps take that time to think of something to say.”
Nourd never knew what to say, but it had never mattered to Oshal. Was it different now? What if Oshal didn’t like him anymore? What if Oshal was never happy again?
“Why don’t we visit the Temple of Words tomorrow?” Master Gorkle said. “I’m sure it would make Apprentice Oshal happy if you wrote a poem for him.”
Nourd liked that idea. He thought he was getting good at poetry. It still didn’t entirely make sense to him beyond “use words to express your feelings”, but he liked that. Even having been in the court for a few years, it was all still so confusing. Poetry had not only helped him handle it (along with Master Gorkle and Oshal, of course), but it’d been helping him learn the language, even if he still needed someone to write it for him.
“I like that idea.”
“I thought so. I think the rest of the day would be well spent listening to nature. I think we could both use a rest.”