Skwyr Court

pitofdoubt

Aonva walked through her library. Her footsteps echoed off the walls and traveled to the far reaches of the shelves. She didn’t know for what she was looking. Some sort of peace. Was it a spell? A mixture of herbs? Some small peace of wisdom she’d stashed away for later use? She couldn’t quantify the shape and size of the solution, how it looked or felt. The only hint she had was that she’d know it when she found it. When her mind touched it, everything would go back to normal.

You don’t have to worry about Roshil. Kurgm’s voice came from somewhere deep in her library. She gave you a bracelet that was only designed to hurt you.

I’m not wearing the bracelet anymore, her voice echoed. So everything’s fine now, right?

Her eyes turned to her wrist. It changed from flesh to metal. Was she still wearing the bracelet? She remembered taking it off. Or had Roshil taken it off?

I enchanted the bracelet. That was Roshil’s voice. Was she there? Aonva’s spirits floated away with joy. The kindred spirit who’d appreciated all the information in her head. When did that change? Why couldn’t they be friends anymore?

One of the books floated off the shelf and opened up. A dark red dragon flew out of the pages and circled her. It spoke words she couldn’t understand, but sparks flew into the sky. When she repeated the words, more sparks erupted.

Magic. One dragon’s gift to humans. The dragon picked her up and took her away from her room, from the sounds of screaming. Aonva closed her eyes and let it take her to the castle, far away from turmoil.

When she landed, tall figures danced around her, happy to see her. But the small ones pushed her away, mocking and jeering her. Only one took her hand, but the figure wrapped its claws tightly around her wrist.

“I’m sorry,” Aonva said. “Please don’t be angry at me.”

Aonva’s head burned. When she touched it, she felt a tear running through the middle of her skull. It opened up in her hands, stifling Aonva’s cries before she could make them.

Aonva opened her eyes. She was in her chambers in the castle. The lights were off. Without realizing it, she’d dozed off. Despite it being something she was supposed to be doing, she couldn’t sleep yet. There was a problem before her, and she had to solve it.

She gazed up at the ceiling and wondered how much longer it was until curfew ended. Minutes? Hours? She reached out and touched her identification orb. It would buzz to wake her up in half an hour. She closed her eyes again.

It’d been a long night. Master Ekla had checked her over, then Master Kaernin. The whole time she’d only wanted to go to bed, to put the whole ordeal behind her. But they’d kept insisting she get looked at. She still felt fine, only tired.

When she’d asked about Roshil, Kurgm had told her not to worry about Roshil anymore. Was that right? Did she not have to worry about Roshil anymore? Was Roshil going to be alright?

He was right! No one will ever love me!

Aonva had worked out who “he” was, but hadn’t known how to talk to Roshil about it. “He” was the dragon that had cursed Roshil in the first place. Everything Roshil had done was because of that thing.

It’s not her fault. I’m sure it’s not her fault.

Aonva closed her eyes again and went to her library. There had to be an answer somewhere. For the past six months, she’d been researching dragons whenever she got a chance. There had to be something she could do to help Roshil. Aonva could see the toll it was taking on her friend. She had all that information tucked away in her head, so she had to have something to help her.

You haven’t been researching dragons for six months. You ignored me for Kurgm. You stopped researching dragons and started researching the Temple of the Rising Sun instead.

Roshil’s voice echoed in the library. She was right. Aonva had stopped her research. Roshil couldn’t have known about it; she’d been careful not to let Roshil see her, lest she accidentally set off Roshil.

That day in class was still burned into Aonva’s mind. Roshil had been panicking, screaming, and Aonva hadn’t done anything.

You don’t have to worry about Roshil.

She’s my friend.

Do as you’re told, young lady! Her mother’s voice echoed through the library and her eyes snapped open. Aonva took a breath to calm herself down. She couldn’t let go of Roshil so easily. Roshil was her best friend.

“When did it stop being easy?” Aonva whispered to the empty room. “Why can’t I forgive her and move on?”

She recited passages from The Skwyr Court Apprentice’s Handbook, knowing one answer was in there. Apprentices were forbidden from enchanting one another. It wasn’t safe to try, because there was no way of knowing the side effects an enchanted object could have on a person. Even master artisans needed to be careful about it.

Spells affect people differently than others.

Roshil had broken a rule by giving her the bracelet. Why couldn’t Aonva be upset about it? Was she supposed to be upset? Why didn’t anything make sense anymore?

Questions swirled around inside her head, multiplying the longer she thought about it. What was she supposed to do? Why were there no answers anymore?

Her identification orb informed her that it was time to wake up. She climbed out of bed, silencing the orb, then took out some clean clothes. She washed up, fixed her hair, then collected her things.

Identification orb, books, notebooks, identification orb, pouches, clothes, identification orb, pack.

After checking once again that she had her identification orb, which the small part of her brain not plagued by her anxiety reminded her she needed to leave her chambers so there was no chance of forgetting it anyway, she walked out of her chambers into a different castle than it was yesterday.

#VolumeTwo #PitOfDoubt

Darkness filled her world. It was all the world was. It was all she was. She let the panic and desire for light consume her. When Aonva knew she wanted nothing more than a spark of light, she recited the words to make it happen.

Would it, though? Was she capable of bringing the light back? What if she made a mistake? What if there was nothing there when she opened her eyes? She’d made so many mistakes. She’d ignored her best friend. She still cared about her friend, even though people kept telling her not to care. Her judgment was wrong. Her instincts couldn’t be trusted. She thought those were the words to bring light, but what if they were the words to make fire? What if she’d confused them?

Aonva spoke the words she thought would make light, but nothing happened. They were only words on her lips. Without being certain of the outcome, they didn’t do anything for her.

“I’m sorry,” she said for the eleventh time that day, once for each spell she’d failed to cast. She could draw on the need for them, the absolute desire that spells needed, but there was no certainty behind them anymore. She couldn’t trust herself anymore.

Why bother applying for an apprenticeship? The court will never want someone like us. Stay here and do as you’re told.

Maybe they were right. The court doesn’t want someone like me here.

Master Kaernin stared at her, waiting for her to speak again. He did that a lot. Not only because he barely spoke, but Aonva suspected he didn’t always know what was bothering her, and he really wanted to know. He never glared at her either, like her parents did when they wanted her to stop talking. He kept his face neutral, which she interpreted as patient.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” Aonva said. “I’m sorry, I can’t do it anymore. I’m trying, really I am, but it’s not working. The words don’t sound right in my head anymore. I go over each of them, but it doesn’t make sense. I can’t explain why it doesn’t. They were the same words that worked yesterday, and the day before that, but they don’t sound right anymore, and Rule Two states that I need absolute understanding, which means I have to be confident in what I’m doing, but how can I be if my best friend could hurt me?”

It was all Aonva could do to stop herself from crying. Within a day, she’d lost her best friend and her magic, and she didn’t know how to get either one back. According to Kurgm, she wasn’t supposed to get Roshil back, but the thought of not seeing Roshil anymore was too much to bear.

Master Kaernin rested a hand on her shoulder.

“Perhaps you should go relax in the library,” he said. “I think you’ve had enough casting for one day.”

“But it’s only—”

He stared at her with raised eyebrows, making it clear that his words weren’t a suggestion.

Aonva nodded. She packed away her books, trying not to let the fact that Master Kaernin was talking more bother her.

Something’s changed. Something’s different, he knows it. I can’t use magic anymore. It’s only a matter of time before he ends my apprenticeship. Mother and father were right; the court doesn’t want a useless, timid little girl like me.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Apprentice Aonva,” Master Kaernin said. “Same time.”

Aonva nodded again. He was talking to her more. That was a bad sign, she knew it. He was letting her down gently. Her apprenticeship was over, even if he hadn’t said it yet.

She walked out of the room and into the empty corridors. Her footsteps echoed off the walls, making her feel more alone than she already did. There had to be some way to fix all this. This must’ve happened to other apprentices before. What had they done?

Nothing, because I’m not like other apprentices. Other apprentices make friends. Other apprentices have enough confidence to cast a basic light spell. Other apprentices aren’t failures like me.

She pulled up a map of the castle in her head. It wasn’t complicated; the corridors connected with one another in a square, so if you kept walking, you’d reach your destination eventually, but having something on which she could focus put her mind somewhat at ease. She found the fastest route from the study rooms to the library. It wasn’t that far. She supposed it made sense to keep the two close together.

The library. At least there she could pretend everything was okay. Maybe she could find answers there. Not to her current predicament, that was no good, but maybe if she found some sort of lead on Roshil’s condition, everything would go back to normal.

As hard as she tried to stay focused on the library, fear crept into her head.

My Lady Arch Mage chose me. She wouldn’t have done that without reason, right?

She was wrong. My Lady Arch Mage was wrong to choose me. She made a mistake.

She picked up her pace, trying to outrun her own fears. They crept through the shadows after her, whispering to her.

She made a mistake. She made a mistake.

Why did she choose me at all? She must’ve known I’d turn out like this. Couldn’t she tell I wasn’t right to be a mage? Mages have to be confident, they must be certain of the effects of their words, but I’m not. I’m not confident in anything. All I’m doing is wasting everyone’s time.

That’s right, young lady. So stop wasting time and come home where you belong.

Aonva wanted to hide from the voices, but they followed her no matter where she went. She wasn’t sure if she could even hear them. Maybe someone had used a spell on her. Maybe this was more punishment for failing Roshil.

I can make up for that.

Could she? Would doing more research really make any difference? Or would she only be wasting everyone’s time again?

I have to try.

There was still a problem before her. She could at least try to solve it.

The court has been working on the problem longer than I have, and they haven’t found anything. My Lady Arch Mage probably knows all the experts in the field. My Lord High Artisan has been watching Roshil for months. If they haven’t found anything yet, why would I be able to? There’s nothing I could find here that they couldn’t.

With the library door in front of her, she stopped. What was the point of it all? What could she do that they couldn’t?

I have to try.

If you learn too much, you’ll only argue about everything like your mother.

If you learn too much, men will find you irritating like your father does.

I have to help Roshil. This is the only way I know how.

What if I make things worse?

I have to try.

With that, she walked through the door.

#VolumeTwo #PitOfDoubt

When Aonva got to the library, she went straight to the second floor, to the advanced section on dragons. It was one of her favorite places in the library, because so few people went there. It was also where she’d met Roshil.

I have to help her. I shouldn’t have given up on her.

Aonva walked through the aisle and examined every book on the shelf. One after another, she pulled books off the shelf, until there were six in her arms. They all looked and felt familiar, like old friends she hadn’t seen in a while. At least, it was how she imagined it would be like to see old friends after a long time. She’d never had friends with which to test that theory.

My best friend, and I let her down. It’s all my fault. Whatever she did to me, I deserved it.

She walked to the nearest corner of the library. This one in particular was not only out of the way, but a light orb shone right above it. It was the perfect spot to spread out books and be alone. Sure, she could’ve sat at a table, but she always ran out of space and moved to the floor anyway.

She reached for The Mysteries of Dragons first. With practiced ease, she flipped straight to the pages on dragon-touched. She’d lost count of how many times she’d read the same words, looking for something she’d missed. Nothing about the causes, nothing about the cures, nothing about the reasons. Nothing new.

Aonva left it open to that page and grabbed The Dangers of Dragons next. While it too had a passage on dragon-touched, it didn’t tell her anything she didn’t already know. That was in part due to her having read this one over and over again in the last six months as well.

Leaving that open she grabbed another one, and another one, and another one. Aonva skimmed through The Survivor’s Guide to Dragons, A World of Dragons, and The Origin of Arcane, all from cover to cover, jumping back and forth between them. It wasn’t enough. They had even less on dragon-touched. She learned how to fight dragons, the different colors and what they meant (not much), and the names of many ancient dragons.

The dragon Umjomkwanpra taught humans the Arcane Language thousands of years ago. Many believe she held back some words because she didn’t trust humans to use the gift wisely.

Valignatiejir is thought by many only to be a myth, but depictions of a great black dragon go back thousands of years. Unfortunately, many tragedies are blamed on such a dragon, making it difficult to tell what really happened.

The treaty between the Kingdom of Skwyr and the dragons is the only one of its kind. The dragon Lengaulelin was the first to sign it, and many others followed when they realized the mutual benefits of such a treaty.

Aonva’s head throbbed. She rubbed her temples and opened another book. She had all six books sprawled out on the floor around her. After rubbing her eyes, she continued her search for answers.

What are you going to find now that you haven’t found in six months? This is pointless.

She pushed her mother’s voice out of her head, but her father’s voice replaced it.

What good do your books do you? They’ll only make you argue with people all the time like your mother.

Yes, be like your father and never have an original thought in your life.

Aonva shook her head, trying to force her parents out of it. She grabbed one of the books to try blocking them and the headache out.

Most dragons will ignore any humans they see. They don’t need to eat constantly like most other animals, and their lifespans are at least a thousand years, although no dragon has ever admitted how long they can live. This being the case, they are known to be patient creatures. Many have also learned that when one attacks a human, other humans are sure to seek out that dragon for revenge, until the dragon is eventually overwhelmed.

Do not attack dragons alone. Only the most skilled fighters stand a chance against a dragon alone. Dragons have few weak spots on their bodies.

There’s no point to this.

Aonva scratched her wrist. There was every point to what she was doing. Roshil had made her a bracelet that caused a creeping headache over a day. It was prolonged, patient, like a dragon, but unlike Roshil. It only proved how upset Roshil was with her.

I’ve got to keep doing this.

She put that book down and grabbed another one.

While a precise measurement of a dragon’s speed is unknown, it is believed that one can cross the ocean between Skwyr and Nelaro in a matter of hours if flying at top speed.

Her head felt like it was slowly being compressed. Aonva had to put the book down and close her eyes.

Give up and go to back to bed. Or go to breakfast. It’s what a proper lady would do, and that’s all men want.

No! I can’t stop, not now!

She opened her eyes, but the light burned them. She curled into a ball on the floor, holding her head.

It hurts! Why does it hurt?

Every time she tried opening her eyes, her head hurt worse. She couldn’t give up. There must’ve been something she’d missed in one of the books. Or maybe the other books on the shelf. There were plenty of them, and she was sure she hadn’t read all of them yet. She had to keep trying.

Aonva opened her eyes, then stood up on shaky legs. She turned to the shelves, then put one foot forward.

Stars danced before her eyes. Her foot shook as she put it down. She picked up her other foot, but caught one of the books she had open next to her. The book went skidding, missing her head as it landed on the hard library floor.

Aonva curled up on the floor and cried. She couldn’t cast spells. She couldn’t find answers. What good was she?

It was a mistake to come here. I should go home.

Tap. Tap.

The sound of footsteps accompanied by a staff vibrated the floor. Aonva didn’t move. She didn’t care. No one would pay any attention to her.

“Oh, dear.”

Aonva looked up and saw Lady Emgard standing over her.

#VolumeTwo #PitOfDoubt

Aonva leaped to her feet and stood at attention.

“My Lady Arch Mage, I’m so sorry. I was… I…”

Lady Emgard dismissed her apologies with a wave of her hand.

“If I were to guess, I would say you’re having a dreadful day.”

Aonva’s eyes darted to the books scattered around the floor. She must’ve looked like a complete mess. As if she didn’t have enough reasons for Lady Emgard to change her mind about her.

“I’m really sorry,” Aonva said again, for once having nothing else to say.

Lady Emgard motioned to the books, and Aonva scrambled to organize them. She gathered them all in her arms, then stood at attention again. When she did, Lady Emgard handed her the book she’d accidentally kicked across the floor.

“Researching dragons,” Lady Emgard said, eyeing the book, “and quite extensively. Master Juoura tells me you’re over here a lot.”

Aonva’s body trembled. She feared her legs wouldn’t support her much longer, and not because of the small mountain of books she was holding.

“I’d like to speak with you, if you’ve got a moment. I trust you have time for a chat with an old lady?”

“Of course, My Lady!”

Aonva knew it. She’d been right. Lady Emgard was going to end her apprenticeship. She’d be sent back home to the screams of her parents. She dug through her mind for anything she could say to change Lady Emgard’s mind, but there was nothing. She stayed silent as she put the books away.

Lady Emgard led her, hobbling, over to a table.

“Do you need help, My Lady?”

“No, I’m just old. I’m quite capable of managing to walk around by myself, thank you.”

Lady Emgard eased herself into a chair and let out a sigh of relief.

Aonva took the chair opposite her. Her mind buzzed with information, but none of it was useful. Most of it was about dragons.

“Lord Grund told me what Apprentice Roshil did. I’m sure you’ve already had the court’s apologies, so I won’t waste my time repeating it. What are you doing here?”

“I… I…”

“Speak up. My hearing’s not what it used to be, although I can still catch an apprentice swearing from fifty paces away. It’s funny the things ones ears become trained to do.”

“I can’t cast spells anymore, so I came here to try and figure out anything more about Roshil’s curse, even though I haven’t been able to learn anything, I wanted to do something right today, but I can’t do anything, and I really like it here, so please don’t send me home.”

“Dear child, why would I send you home?”

“Because I can’t use magic anymore.” Aonva tried and failed to hide her tears. “I keep trying, but I keep doubting myself, and I know I can’t trust myself, so there’s no sense in wasting everyone’s time pretending that it’ll get better.”

Lady Emgard handed her a handkerchief. “If I’d given up every time things looked bad, I wouldn’t still be here. Every mage suffers setbacks. We must learn to use magic no matter the circumstances.” She tapped her staff. “Even after you get your staff, you’ll need to know what to do without it. That’s why it’s important to learn to trust yourself now.”

“But I can’t.”

Lady Emgard stared straight into her eyes. Aonva felt as if she were reaching down into the depths of Aonva’s mind.

“I have every confidence in you, Apprentice Aonva. I’ve always known you’d go on to do great things.”

Aonva stared at the table. She didn’t want to disagree with Lady Emgard, but she knew she wasn’t meant for great things. She was too scared.

“When faced with a problem, you refuse to give up until you’ve found a solution.”

“Who told you that, My Lady?”

“Master Kaernin. I make him give all his reports orally. It’s one of the fun things you get to do when you’re old.”

Aonva let a small smile fight its way to her lips.

“This is simply another problem for you to solve. It will take time. You may struggle with it for the rest of your life, but I know that you will prevail.”

“How can you know that?”

Lady Emgard smiled at her. “Because you’ve stopped crying.”

Aonva touched her face. Her tears had gone dry.

“So you must believe it too.”

Panic gripped her for a moment.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to cry in front of you. I’m–”

Lady Emgard waved away her concerns.

“As if no one’s ever cried in front of me before. When life gets to be too much, crying tells people we care about that we’re suffering. It’s nothing of which you need be ashamed. Now, do you think you can cast a light spell?”

The idea of failing so miserably in front of Lady Emgard caused Aonva to freeze up. She tried to speak, but she couldn’t find the words.

“There’s no need to be afraid. There’s nothing you’ll do that will make you lesser in my eyes. Start with the words.”

Aonva forced herself to take a breath, then recited the words she’d spoken almost a hundred times.

“Perfect. Those are the right words.” She glanced back at the shelves of books about dragons. “Dragons were born of magic. They always know the right words to speak. They are those words, Apprentice Aonva. They are magic. Those words come from you too. Part of your heart is in them. You and those words are one, just like when a dragon speaks them. Trust in them, and they won’t let you down.”

Aonva closed her eyes. She let the darkness consume her again. Then she spoke the words to bring back the light. She felt them flow from her heart, her lungs, through her throat and over her lips. They were infused with her spirit. They mingled with the energies all around them, concentrated on her hand, and brought the light to life.

A smile formed over Lady Emgard’s wrinkled lips.

“A good mage speaks the words. A great mage feels them. You, Apprentice Aonva, are a great mage.”

Aonva smiled shyly. Apart from Kurgm and Roshil, and occasionally Master Kaernin, she wasn’t used to getting praise from anyone.

“I… I don’t know what to do. About Roshil.”

“Is that why you’ve been so uncertain?”

Aonva nodded. She didn’t think there was time for her to relay all her other issues, nor did she want Lady Emgard to change her mind about her now.

“My advice is to give you two time apart. A fight can seem difficult at first, but with time, you’ll see you two are still friends.” She nodded over Aonva’s shoulder. “And I think someone else is worried about you.”

Aonva turned her attention behind her.

Kurgm stood at attention, with Master Ekla not far behind him.

“I don’t mean to interrupt, My Lady.”

“That’s quite alright, Apprentice Kurgm.” Lady Emgard struggled to her feet. “Apprentice Aonva and I were finishing up.”

Aonva stood at attention as Lady Emgard bid them all farewell. Her head spun a little. She’d sat down and spoken with Lady Emgard, one of the most accomplished people in Skwyr. Lady Emgard thought highly of her!

Before she could speak volumes on Lady Emgard, Kurgm brought her back to reality.

“Are you alright?”

Aonva didn’t know how she felt about anyone. She wasn’t sure how long it would be until she and Roshil were back to normal, or even if they ever would be. But she was sure she could talk to Kurgm again. She didn’t have to be alone anymore.

“I will be.”

#VolumeTwo #PitOfDoubt