Pit of Doubt, Part IV
Aonva leaped to her feet and stood at attention.
“My Lady Arch Mage, I’m so sorry. I was… I…”
Lady Emgard dismissed her apologies with a wave of her hand.
“If I were to guess, I would say you’re having a dreadful day.”
Aonva’s eyes darted to the books scattered around the floor. She must’ve looked like a complete mess. As if she didn’t have enough reasons for Lady Emgard to change her mind about her.
“I’m really sorry,” Aonva said again, for once having nothing else to say.
Lady Emgard motioned to the books, and Aonva scrambled to organize them. She gathered them all in her arms, then stood at attention again. When she did, Lady Emgard handed her the book she’d accidentally kicked across the floor.
“Researching dragons,” Lady Emgard said, eyeing the book, “and quite extensively. Master Juoura tells me you’re over here a lot.”
Aonva’s body trembled. She feared her legs wouldn’t support her much longer, and not because of the small mountain of books she was holding.
“I’d like to speak with you, if you’ve got a moment. I trust you have time for a chat with an old lady?”
“Of course, My Lady!”
Aonva knew it. She’d been right. Lady Emgard was going to end her apprenticeship. She’d be sent back home to the screams of her parents. She dug through her mind for anything she could say to change Lady Emgard’s mind, but there was nothing. She stayed silent as she put the books away.
Lady Emgard led her, hobbling, over to a table.
“Do you need help, My Lady?”
“No, I’m just old. I’m quite capable of managing to walk around by myself, thank you.”
Lady Emgard eased herself into a chair and let out a sigh of relief.
Aonva took the chair opposite her. Her mind buzzed with information, but none of it was useful. Most of it was about dragons.
“Lord Grund told me what Apprentice Roshil did. I’m sure you’ve already had the court’s apologies, so I won’t waste my time repeating it. What are you doing here?”
“I… I…”
“Speak up. My hearing’s not what it used to be, although I can still catch an apprentice swearing from fifty paces away. It’s funny the things ones ears become trained to do.”
“I can’t cast spells anymore, so I came here to try and figure out anything more about Roshil’s curse, even though I haven’t been able to learn anything, I wanted to do something right today, but I can’t do anything, and I really like it here, so please don’t send me home.”
“Dear child, why would I send you home?”
“Because I can’t use magic anymore.” Aonva tried and failed to hide her tears. “I keep trying, but I keep doubting myself, and I know I can’t trust myself, so there’s no sense in wasting everyone’s time pretending that it’ll get better.”
Lady Emgard handed her a handkerchief. “If I’d given up every time things looked bad, I wouldn’t still be here. Every mage suffers setbacks. We must learn to use magic no matter the circumstances.” She tapped her staff. “Even after you get your staff, you’ll need to know what to do without it. That’s why it’s important to learn to trust yourself now.”
“But I can’t.”
Lady Emgard stared straight into her eyes. Aonva felt as if she were reaching down into the depths of Aonva’s mind.
“I have every confidence in you, Apprentice Aonva. I’ve always known you’d go on to do great things.”
Aonva stared at the table. She didn’t want to disagree with Lady Emgard, but she knew she wasn’t meant for great things. She was too scared.
“When faced with a problem, you refuse to give up until you’ve found a solution.”
“Who told you that, My Lady?”
“Master Kaernin. I make him give all his reports orally. It’s one of the fun things you get to do when you’re old.”
Aonva let a small smile fight its way to her lips.
“This is simply another problem for you to solve. It will take time. You may struggle with it for the rest of your life, but I know that you will prevail.”
“How can you know that?”
Lady Emgard smiled at her. “Because you’ve stopped crying.”
Aonva touched her face. Her tears had gone dry.
“So you must believe it too.”
Panic gripped her for a moment.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to cry in front of you. I’m–”
Lady Emgard waved away her concerns.
“As if no one’s ever cried in front of me before. When life gets to be too much, crying tells people we care about that we’re suffering. It’s nothing of which you need be ashamed. Now, do you think you can cast a light spell?”
The idea of failing so miserably in front of Lady Emgard caused Aonva to freeze up. She tried to speak, but she couldn’t find the words.
“There’s no need to be afraid. There’s nothing you’ll do that will make you lesser in my eyes. Start with the words.”
Aonva forced herself to take a breath, then recited the words she’d spoken almost a hundred times.
“Perfect. Those are the right words.” She glanced back at the shelves of books about dragons. “Dragons were born of magic. They always know the right words to speak. They are those words, Apprentice Aonva. They are magic. Those words come from you too. Part of your heart is in them. You and those words are one, just like when a dragon speaks them. Trust in them, and they won’t let you down.”
Aonva closed her eyes. She let the darkness consume her again. Then she spoke the words to bring back the light. She felt them flow from her heart, her lungs, through her throat and over her lips. They were infused with her spirit. They mingled with the energies all around them, concentrated on her hand, and brought the light to life.
A smile formed over Lady Emgard’s wrinkled lips.
“A good mage speaks the words. A great mage feels them. You, Apprentice Aonva, are a great mage.”
Aonva smiled shyly. Apart from Kurgm and Roshil, and occasionally Master Kaernin, she wasn’t used to getting praise from anyone.
“I… I don’t know what to do. About Roshil.”
“Is that why you’ve been so uncertain?”
Aonva nodded. She didn’t think there was time for her to relay all her other issues, nor did she want Lady Emgard to change her mind about her now.
“My advice is to give you two time apart. A fight can seem difficult at first, but with time, you’ll see you two are still friends.” She nodded over Aonva’s shoulder. “And I think someone else is worried about you.”
Aonva turned her attention behind her.
Kurgm stood at attention, with Master Ekla not far behind him.
“I don’t mean to interrupt, My Lady.”
“That’s quite alright, Apprentice Kurgm.” Lady Emgard struggled to her feet. “Apprentice Aonva and I were finishing up.”
Aonva stood at attention as Lady Emgard bid them all farewell. Her head spun a little. She’d sat down and spoken with Lady Emgard, one of the most accomplished people in Skwyr. Lady Emgard thought highly of her!
Before she could speak volumes on Lady Emgard, Kurgm brought her back to reality.
“Are you alright?”
Aonva didn’t know how she felt about anyone. She wasn’t sure how long it would be until she and Roshil were back to normal, or even if they ever would be. But she was sure she could talk to Kurgm again. She didn’t have to be alone anymore.
“I will be.”