Fitting In, Part III
After dinner went about the same as the night before, Kurgm woke up groggy. He was hardly in the mood to do anything, but he dragged himself out of bed anyway. For the first time in many years, he contemplated not going to temple.
No matter what happens, the temple is how we stay grounded. Olmgra reminds us that every day can be bright and shining. All we have to do is try.
The thought of his mother made him smile, even if only for a moment. A scream echoed around his head, but faded away as he started moving through his morning routine. Wash. Dress. Gear. Bag. He made sure he had everything in case Master Ekla decided to ambush him again.
He liked the Sun Welcoming Ceremony. True to his mother’s words, it always made him feel like anything could happen. Even if everything always went wrong after that, he never gave up hoping. Maybe today would be different.
After they welcomed the sun, someone called to him.
“Apprentice Kurgm.”
Oshal made his way over to Kurgm, greeting several people on the way.
“I’m sorry about last night,” he said. “How are you doing?”
“Better, thank you.” Kurgm was a little surprised to realize that he meant it. “You?”
“I’m alright. Is it alright if I join you for breakfast?”
“Of course.”
They walked to the great hall together. Oshal tapped his way through the corridors. Apprentices were converging on the great hall.
“Is it hard to get around in crowds?” Kurgm asked, watching the steady stream of people entering the great hall ahead of them.
“Not really. I can sense where everyone is, so it’s actually easier.”
“Hi, Oshal,” a girl said.
“Hello, Apprentice Minem. Are you still going to the forest today?”
“I am. I’m pretty excited.”
“Have fun.”
“Thanks!”
Kurgm leaned down to Oshal. “Who was that?”
“Apprentice Minem. She’s an apprentice druid a little younger than my sister. Today’s the first day she gets to explore the forest.”
“Hey, Oshal!”
Oshal turned and raised his hand, and another boy slapped his palm as he walked past.
“Hello, Apprentice Parom. How are things at the Temple of the Known Shadow?”
“Settling down after the Ceremony of Approaching Dark, thanks for asking. Have a good one!”
“You too.”
“Apprentice priest?” Kurgm asked.
“In the Temple of the Known Shadow. I like it there. I never feel like I’m missing anything.”
They sat down together with the others.
“Good morning, everyone,” Oshal said. “How is everyone this morning?”
“It’s too early!” Cremwa whined. “How am I supposed to get my beauty sleep if they make me wake up this early?”
“Can you not complain for five minutes?” Demndun asked. “Or is that too much to ask for the Great Cremwa?”
Kurgm pressed his lips together to hold back a laugh.
“How was the ceremony?” Zifor asked them after the officers arrived and breakfast started.
“It was nice,” Oshal said. “You should come back some time. I think you’d like it.”
“Sounds like fun,” Cremwa said. “Waking up before the sun comes up every day.”
“No one asked you, Cremwa,” Demndun said.
“I might go back,” Zifor said.
“Don’t your parents still go there?” Muwen asked. “They’ll probably hug you and get all mushy.” He wrapped his arms around himself. “‘Oh Zifor, our little pumpkin wumpkin, we missed you so much! Mwah! Mwah!’”
Zifor punched him amidst a chorus of giggles. Kurgm smiled, trying to get along, but he didn’t think it was that funny. Maybe it was because he didn’t have parents? But Oshal was smiling, so maybe it was just Kurgm.
Maybe he didn’t fit in with them.
He glanced over at Roshil and Aonva. The former was chatting away to the latter, who had her head buried in a book.
Must have an exam coming up.
Knowing Aonva, she’d already read the same book three times, and only then because she hadn’t had the time to read it a fourth. Why was it so much easier to talk to her than his new friends? Even Roshil and Sirshi were easier to talk to. At least he understood them well enough, apart from Roshil’s blatant disregard for the rules.
Oshal nudged him.
“Stop staring,” he said so no one else could hear.
Kurgm didn’t know how Oshal knew he’d been staring, but he tried to focus on the conversation around him. He barely followed any of it; they were talking about something from before they had all become apprentices.
“It might be nice to see the neighborhood again,” Demndun said. “Remember Old Lady Domna? She used to leave fresh baked cookies on the window sill, and didn’t mind if a few went missing.”
“I don’t want to go back,” Muwen said. “Half the grownups would yell at me for something I didn’t do.”
“At least,” Zifor said, “something they can’t prove that you did.”
If Kurgm didn’t know Master Ekla or Aonva, he’d have thought everyone broke the rules without a second thought. Sirshi and Roshil certainly didn’t care. Oshal usually didn’t, though. At least it wasn’t just him this time.
After breakfast, Master Ekla told him to take some time off before going to class. He walked through the corridors, then through the door to the Temple of the Rising Sun. He saw Sirshi disappear into the back with Master Moudren. For a moment, he wondered if talking to Sirshi would make him feel better, but she was busy, so he walked through the door on the other side of Olmgra’s statue. He bowed on his way past, then went to the Meditation Chamber.
With his troubles shut on the other side of the door, he knelt before the smaller statue of Olmgra.
“A knight can help people. So why can’t I? I can’t fit in with anyone. I can’t make friends. I… I had friends. Well, a friend. But I don’t think she wants to talk to me anymore. I made a mistake. Now I don’t know what to do. I tried fitting in somewhere else, but it’s not working. I can’t make other friends.”
He thought of Demndun and how nice she always was to him. He wanted to talk to her, but then Cremwa kept interrupting. He didn’t want to pull Demndun away from her other friends, and he couldn’t get along with them. That left no one.
“I could never make friends before. Master Ekla worked me pretty hard, so I could never get to dinner. She stopped last year, and it was nice for a while, getting to have friends. But then everything went wrong. Roshil enchanted Aonva, but Aonva still wanted to be friends with her, and my uncle said people like that don’t change. Either of them. When Oshal introduced me to Demndun, I thought that’d be better. But now I realize I don’t fit in with them either. I’m just alone. I don’t fit in anywhere.”
Kurgm sat alone with his thoughts for a time. Class would be starting soon, so he stood up, hoping Olmgra would send him some sort of sign. As far as he could tell, she was waiting for him to figure it out.
“Thank you for listening.” After bowing again, Kurgm turned and left.
Before he left the temple, he bowed again to the statue of Olmgra.
Make today a bright day.
Kurgm wanted to, but he didn’t know how anymore.
Hurried footsteps announced Sirshi’s walk through the temple.
“Hello, Sirshi.”
“Running late, can’t talk.”
Kurgm glanced at the clock, and realized he too was running behind.
He ran to catch up to Sirshi.
“Class?” he asked.
“Yeah.” They both kept a quick pace going through the corridors, careful not to run. “You?”
“Same. Didn’t realize the time.”
They got to the north tower and went to their respective rooms. Kurgm rounded up his things, then nearly ran out the door. Sirshi left just after him.
“Sirshi, do you ever have trouble making friends?”
“No, I have trouble getting rid of friends.”
“What?”
“I have too many friends.”
Kurgm frowned. He’d only ever seen Sirshi with Roshil and Aonva.
“How many friends do you have?”
“I don’t know, three maybe?”
Their boots skidded on the floor as they turned a corner.
“How is three too many friends?”
“They keep asking me if I want to do things. Or telling me about their problems. Most of the time, I just want to be left alone.”
“Why?”
“I like being alone.”
I wish it were that easy.
They separated after going through the door to the school. Kurgm kept thinking about what Sirshi had said. It wasn’t that easy. He couldn’t stop wanting to have friends. He’d gotten so used to it over the past year.
He sat down in class and tried to concentrate on schoolwork, but the idea that he didn’t have a choice stuck. Maybe it was his only option. Maybe he just had to get used to not having friends.