“Hello,” he said.

He had no idea what else to say. What would Pwurmn have said? He had always known just what to say to make things better. Or Enrakal. She always knew what to do.

It’s okay to be sad. The person you loved most in the world is gone. If you don’t let yourself feel that pain, it will consume you.

“I’m sorry,” she said.

“About what?”

“I can’t be an apprentice anymore. I failed. I’m sorry.”

“Ha! You think I’m gonna let you get out of work because you’ve got some scales on your face?”

She rolled over. Just like when he and Aonva had found her, the scales were on her cheek. He thought he saw another cluster growing closer to her eyes.

“What happens when they see my face?” she asked. “I’ll be a monster. I can’t serve anyone. I let everyone down. You. My father. Aonva. Oshal.” Tears trickled down her face. “My mother.”

He wheeled himself closer to her bed. He noticed that she’d gotten thinner. It was as if the life had drained out of her.

“Have you been eating?” he asked.

“They got me to eat some bread and water,” she replied, still staring into space. “They said I should eat something. I haven’t been hungry.”

“I wasn’t hungry for a month after Pwurmn died.”

He stared into space, thinking of Pwurmn. All the times that Grund had wanted to give up on life, to give up on being a master artisan, Pwurmn had been there to help him. To make sure he’d had enough to eat. To remind him that there was something good coming just around the corner. That life was never going to beat them.

“I used to look like my mother,” Roshil said. “I had her eyes before… I didn’t. I wanted to be just like her. Even if I mostly took after my father. Everybody loved them. I wanted…” Tears trickled down her face. “I wanted them to love me too. Even before this, I was different. I was an outcast. It was Oshal that was always there for me, and my parents. The other adults liked me. They taught me all sorts of things. But the children… they’ve always treated me different unless Oshal was around to stand up for me.”

Grund knew the feeling all too well. The questions he’d gotten about his legs, or the questions children had asked as if he couldn’t hear them. “Why don’t his legs work?” “What’s wrong with him?” “How do other parts work?” “Can he use the bathroom?”

“Children can be cruel,” he said. He nodded toward the door. “You’ve got good friends now, though. Aonva’s spent all her free time in the waiting room outside. Brings books with her. Everyone loves the system you two set up in the library. Much easier to find books now.” He grinned at her. “My favorite part is the cabinet. Some beautiful work by a talented apprentice.”

He knew there was no way to cheer her up when she was like this, but he did see a forced half smile from her. It was something, at least. If nothing else, it meant he hadn’t made it worse.

“How’s Oshal doing?” she asked. “And father?”

“They’re surviving. They’ve been better, of course, but they’re surviving. Nourd’s spending more time with your brother to keep him company. And distracted. I’ve been checking in on your father. Rotating with Lady Emgard and Lord Velal.” He stared into those golden eyes of hers. “I tried to kill myself once, so I know it doesn’t happen only because of one bad day. This has been building for months, hasn’t it?”

Roshil averted her eyes, then nodded.

“The scales have been spreading out. I… I knew they’d be visible eventually. I knew once that happened, people would look at me like a freak. More than they already do. I realized I couldn’t do anything with them like that. With my eyes. What happens when they’re everywhere? What happens if I turn into a dragon? I’ll never be anything more than a monster. I want to help people like my mother, but I can’t. I’ll never be like her.”

“In one year, you’re going to start your fifth-year assignment. You, me, Master Kaernin, and Aonva are going to stay at some remote town in the kingdom for a year, and you two are going to construct her staff. That’s going to happen. Then the two of you will become masters, live here, and work directly under me and Lady Emgard. That’s going to happen too. And you are going to be okay. Know how I know that?”

Roshil shook her head. Something in her eyes, some small spark, told him he was getting through to her.

“Because not once this week have Apprentice Nourd nor Grand Master Gorkle said the phrase ‘Maybe she’d be better off dead’. They’ve warmed up to you, and the two of them have more of nature’s sparkling goodness or whatever than anyone else. If they can see past your outside, then anyone can, given enough time. One day, people will accept people like us. Until then, you’ve got some good people looking out for you. And me, I’m looking out for you too.”

More tears ran down her face, but she smiled at him. He’d somehow managed to find the right thing to say.

“Thank you,” she said. “I… I’m glad you’re my master.”

He wiped a tear from her face, which was immediately replaced by another.

“I couldn’t have asked for a better apprentice.”

“I’m… I’m sorry about your husband. He sounds really nice when you talk about him.”

“He was. He would’ve loved you. Probably given that stupid grin of his and said how much he loved your eyes. His memory’s all I’ve got left of him. Just like you and your mother. We’ve got to do them proud, right?”

For the first time since he’d came in, Roshil sat up. She sniffled and wiped away her tears.

“Yeah. You’re right.”

Grund smiled at her.

“Good.” He wheeled his chair around and started for the door. “I expect to see you back soon. You’ll have a few weeks of work to make up.”

“I’ll get better,” Roshil said. “I promise.”

“I know. You’ve got a few more visitors. You up for talking to another person?”

Roshil averted her eyes.

“Is… is Aonva still out there?”

“I’ll send her in.”

Grund left her room to a crowded waiting room. Aonva, Oshal, Nourd, a temporarily excused Sirshi and Kurgm, Daylarl, Ekla, Moudren, Kaernin, and the entire council, King Fohra included, watched him silently. For a moment, he was tempted to ignore them and leave, but he figured he should probably say something.

“How is she?” King Fohra asked.

“She’ll be fine.” He pointed to Aonva, then at the room. “You. Apprentice Aonva. She wants to talk to you.”

Aonva jumped in her seat and squeaked.

That’s a little adorable.

“Me?”

“You,” he said, pointing at Daylarl, “are still a mess, not a good idea to send you in. And you,” he pointed at Oshal, “who can’t see me pointing at him, will understand that she needs a friend right now.”

“Of course,” Oshal said, smiling. “If I go in there, I might cry, and I think that would upset her.”

“Glad we’re in agreement.”

“But she is okay, My Lord?” Ekla asked.

He glanced back at Roshil’s room just as Aonva entered it and closed the door.

“Yeah.” He smiled, but kept his face away from them so they wouldn’t see. “She’ll be okay.”

#VolumeFour

What Apprentice Oshal needs right now is hope, Master Gorkle had said, so why not write it about hope?

Nourd liked that word. Hope. It sounded a little funny, but it was still such a big word for one so small. Anej had asked him what it made him think of, and the two of them had worked from there. He was proud of what they’d written, and both Master Gorkle and Anej had insisted that Oshal would like it. Still, he felt like a squirrel trying to gather food, knowing predators were lurking.

“Do you know why Lord Grund asked us all to leave?” Master Gorkle asked.

They were sitting in the gardens. They were going to meet with Apprentice Oshal and Lady Durwey soon. In Nourd’s opinion, it wasn’t soon enough. He wanted to see Oshal more than anything.

“No,” Nourd replied.

“If we’d stayed there, we’d all be worried about Apprentice Roshil. He wanted us to leave so we could get our minds off her. The same thing is happening to you and Apprentice Oshal. We need to find you something to do while we wait for them to be ready.”

Nourd didn’t want to do anything else. He wanted to see Oshal. What was taking them so long? Why had they not contacted Master Gorkle yet?

The other prevailing thought in his mind was Anej’s question. Did he want to be Oshal’s mate? The more he thought about it, the more he liked the idea. He wanted to be around Oshal all the time. To always be close to him. New thoughts had been surfacing, too. Ones he hadn’t had before about anyone.

Master Gorkle frowned at him. Hir nose twitched slightly.

“Don’t bring up what Apprentice Anej said about wanting to be Oshal’s mate. I can smell the question on you, and I know you want to talk to him about it, but now isn’t a good time. We have things to discuss later, some of which might make you uncomfortable. Please don’t say anything to him until we talk about it.”

“Why can’t I say anything? I want to be Oshal’s mate. I want him to be mine.”

“I know, but it’s more complicated than that. His sister’s in the hospital. He probably isn’t thinking straight right now, so it’s best to let him be. Please, Apprentice Nourd, do not say anything about it yet.”

Nourd still didn’t understand. There was so much he couldn’t understand anymore. Why had Roshil tried to kill herself? Why would that affect Oshal so much that Nourd couldn’t tell him how he felt? He’d always been able to tell Oshal anything, even things that other people didn’t understand. What was different about this?

“Think of it this way. If a hunter had tried to kill one of Elder Wolf’s pups, and they’d gotten away, would you be able to think of anything else?”

Nourd closed his eyes and tried to imagine it. One of the pups bleeding on the forest floor, a wound in their side. Elder Wolf wouldn’t have rested until she’d tracked down the hunter and made them pay. Nourd wouldn’t be able to talk to her about anything until she’d exacted justice.

“I think trying to talk to Elder Wolf would be bad idea.”

“Exactly. Well, Apprentice Roshil’s attempted murderer was herself. Until she can be talked down and helped to recover, Apprentice Oshal will think of little else. Asking another person to be your mate is a big deal among humans. You may also have certain expectations we’ll need to discuss later. It’s complicated, as is anything that involves more than one person’s emotions, so please, say nothing about it to Apprentice Oshal until after things have calmed down.”

Nourd didn’t like it, but he had to agree with Master Gorkle. The world didn’t make sense to him, but it made sense to hir, so Nourd had to listen.

“They’re on their way.”

Nourd couldn’t sit still until Oshal arrived. He felt like a squirrel looking out for predators, but the predator wasn’t there to kill him, it was there to help him. Emotions were weird.

The moment Oshal entered their area of the gardens, Nourd could smell the misery on him. Oshal’s usual cheerful demeanor was missing, and it brought Nourd down too.

“Hello, Nourd. Grand Master Gorkle.”

Oshal bowed to Master Gorkle, then sat down next to Nourd.

“How are you feeling?” Master Gorkle asked.

“I’m okay,” Oshal said, smiling. It wasn’t his usual smile; it was too small, and it didn’t last long. “Still… processing, I guess. I’m sorry I’m being so down.”

“I am happy to see you!” Nourd said, hoping something would cheer up Oshal.

“I’m happy to see you too,” Oshal said, although his body was giving off a not-happy smell.

“I wrote something,” Nourd said, taking out the piece of paper he and Anej had worked on. “Apprentice Anej helped.”

“How is she doing? Is she back?” Oshal asked.

“They are,” Master Gorkle said. “Their ceremony to move to master priest is later today.”

“That’s good.”

“May I please read what I wrote?” Nourd asked.

“Okay.”

While Nourd had memorized most of the poem, the paper still didn’t hurt to have. He began to read.

You cannot always see tomorrow’s light Sometimes, it is hidden away from sight Although this journey is your own You do not have to walk in the dark alone We can walk together, and you will see That your fear and uncertainty Are smaller than they seem in the dawn’s sparkling gleam

Oshal stared at him with his sightless face. The silence stretched on, and it started to worry Nourd. Had he done something wrong?

“Apprentice Anej helped me with the words, especially the words that rhyme. Poetry is hard sometimes.”

“I love it,” Oshal said. “You… you wrote all of that for me?”

“I cannot understand how scared you are, or what your sister did, but I do not want you to lose hope. I am certain that she will be okay. Because you are my favorite human, and I never want bad things to happen to you again.”

Tears streamed down Oshal’s face, but he didn’t smell any more sad than he had when he’d arrived. Instead, he smelled full of joy, happier than Nourd had ever smelled or seen him before.

“Thank you so much. Is it okay if I hug you?”

“Yes! Always!”

Nourd leaned in and put his arms around Oshal. He felt like a bird, soaring through the sky. He wanted to stay like that with Oshal forever, but eventually they had to pull apart.

“Can we sit and talk for a while?” Oshal asked.

“Of course! I enjoy talking to you!”

Oshal wiped tears from his face. “Me too.”

Nourd was thrilled. He hadn’t said anything wrong. He’d made things better. He’d made Oshal better. He still wanted to be Oshal’s mate, but Master Gorkle was right. That could wait. In that moment, he was happy enough to be with Oshal, smiling and happy.

#VolumeFour #KnowingWhatToSay

“Welcome back to the Temple of Words, Grand Master Gorkle, Apprentice Nourd,” Master Rindumna greeted them at the door. “May Yvgrengher share His infinite knowledge and wisdom with you.”

Nourd didn’t know why Master Rindumna always said that. He’d asked Master Gorkle about it before, but zie had said it was something called a formality. As far as Nourd understood, it was related to manners.

“I would like to write a poem to make my friend happy again,” Nourd said. “I do not think I can do it alone.”

“Well, if it’s poetry you want, you have come to the right place,” Master Rindumna said. “And I know just who can help you.”

Before he saw her, Nourd smelled Apprentice Anej. She looked older, smelled a little different, but was still much the same as she’d been almost a year ago when he’d seen her last. She hadn’t been at the temple for a while, though, and he didn’t know why.

“Apprentice Anej just returned from her fifth-year assignment,” Master Rindumna said as Apprentice Anej bowed. “I’m sure she would be happy to help.”

“I’m always thrilled to help another with their quest for art,” Apprentice Anej said.

“I’ll leave you to it, then.” Master Rindumna bowed to them, then walked away.

“They,” Anej mumbled.

“What?” Nourd said.

“I… um… prefer ‘they’ and ‘them’,” Anej said, a little louder. “I… I learned a lot about myself when I was away.”

“Congratulations,” Master Gorkle said. “It feels freeing to understand yourself better, doesn’t it?”

Anej nodded, while still avoiding eye contact.

“I do not understand,” Nourd said.

“Apprentice Anej is like me,” Master Gorkle said. “They don’t identify as either male or female.”

“Oh. Why do they use different words than you do?”

“That’s their choice,” Master Gorkle said. “I chose ‘zie’ and ‘hir’ because I thought ‘they’ and ‘them’ were confusing at first. I didn’t know anyone else like me at the time, but I found reference to those words as gender-neutral pronouns, so I chose them.” Zie smiled at Apprentice Anej. “After you settle into it, you’ll get better at speaking up about it. Don’t worry.”

“Thank you, Grand Master. Now, Apprentice Nourd, with what do you require assistance?” They glanced around. “Is Apprentice Oshal here?”

“That’s the problem,” Master Gorkle said. “Apprentice Oshal is having some family trouble, and it’s making him upset. Apprentice Nourd wants to write a poem to help him feel better.”

“May I ask what sort of family trouble?”

“I’m afraid I can’t give specifics. I can only say that a member of his family is sick, and it’s upsetting him.”

Apprentice Anej led them through the temple to a smaller room. This one had a table with paper and pens, which, despite their appearance, Nourd had learned were not a type of weapon. If you dipped one in a pool of crushed up plants soaked in water, then spread it over paper, you made words.

“Have you been writing poetry since I’ve been gone?” Apprentice Anej asked.

“Not a lot,” Nourd said. “Human words are complicated.”

“Well, let’s start with the basics, then. How do you want him to feel?”

That was easy. Nourd wanted Oshal to stop being sad, to smile again. He knew the word for that.

“Happy.”

“That’s a good start.” Apprentice Anej started writing something down. Nourd was getting better at reading, but with Anej across from him, he couldn’t tell what they were writing. “Can you describe it a little more? What does happiness mean to you?”

For a long time, happiness had been being in the forest. Nourd had been allowed on the outskirts in the past few years, but hadn’t been allowed to venture back inside yet. Before, happiness had been running with the wolves, or swinging through the trees with the monkeys. But now, happiness was different. Happiness was being with Oshal.

“It means being with Oshal. Smiling and laughing together. I do not know how to make him laugh, but he does when we’re together. And he makes me laugh, but I do not know why. I always want to be with him, to always smile and laugh together. And eat chocolate. I like chocolate.”

Anej stared at him for a moment. He could smell confusion and uncertainty from them. They avoided eye contact, then started mumbling something that even Nourd’s keen ears couldn’t pick up.

“Did you say something?” Nourd asked.

“I said… do you… like Apprentice Oshal?”

“Of course. He is my friend. He is my best friend.”

“Um… no, I mean… I don’t know how to say this so you’ll understand.”

“Say what?”

Nourd didn’t like this. Usually, he could understand Apprentice Anej, unlike most of the other priests at the Temple of Words. He liked it there, but they all used words he’d never heard before, and it confused him.

“I believe what Apprentice Anej is trying to ask is if you want to be Apprentice Oshal’s mate,” Master Gorkle said.

“Yes, that. That’s what I meant.”

Nourd frowned. He hadn’t thought about it before. All he knew was that he liked spending time with Oshal more than anyone else. Oshal said that was what being best friends was like. But Nourd always wanted to spend time with Oshal.

“I do not know.”

“That’s fine,” Master Gorkle said. “You two work on your poem for now. We can talk about that later.”

That was fine with Nourd. He wasn’t sure about it. Was he even allowed to have a male as a mate? He had some recollection of Roshil wanting a female mate, but he hadn’t given it any thought.

As Anej helped him write a poem for Oshal, that same thought danced around his head. He wasn’t sure, but he liked the idea. He would have to ask another time.

#VolumeFour #KnowingWhatToSay